Why I Haven't Written: A Creator's Confession
Why I Haven't Written: A Creator's Confession
This is a 10-minute writing sprint about why I haven't been writing. Posted raw and unedited because The Pursuit of Nothing is about process over perfection.
I started this blog as my little slice of the internet. To serve as an outlet for my creativity and as a way to explore my boundless curiosity. And yet, here it sits, untouched for almost half a year, and with only one blog post and 3 podcast episodes developed.
Why does a person who wants to write and create and make refuse to sit down and write and create and make? Fear, certainly. Fear stands out as a primary road-block, not just for me, but for many people who want to make and create at their core. But fear of what, exactly? Fear of rejection, of not being good enough? Fear of not having the right words? Fear of saying something now that maybe I regret or disagree with later on? Fear of not knowing what to do next or where to step on this mysterious voyage called creating? Fear of not knowing who might find and read my ideas? Or even worst, who might twist them into something I never meant?
The short answer to all of these fears is simply: yes. But I suppose the primary fear, the driving factor is a fear of accepting myself, because I have some ideal, though undefined, version of who I want to be as a writer and creator. It's easier to dream and think about that ideal than to get to work and realize how much effort it will take to ever come close to this idealized version of a person.
Where does this ideal of perfection stem from in the first place? I suppose from my buying into the prevalent ideology of this nation I call home. Like most Americans, consumption drives me, which is what leads to this idealization of everything in my life. Somehow, even without a social media presence, I am afraid of the potential toxicity I open myself to by sharing my work and creative ideas with others. Sharing makes me vulnerable, and I don't like to be vulnerable. The act of making something of value requires the "secret ingredient," love. But using that ingredient requires vulnerability.
So why write about avoiding writing? This is the precise purpose of The Pursuit of Nothing, to move past the perceived judgement that may come from others or myself. (I am realizing that I am harder on myself than anyone else as a mechanism of self-defense. If I expect more of myself than you, your critique can't hurt me as much.) To trade in the judgement that stems from outcomes-based thinking, and move back to the joy of being childlike in my pursuits. Saying, "Forget it, let's get our hands dirty and learn something! Screw the outcomes, enjoy the process!"
The Pursuit of Nothing continues. What are you avoiding creating?